coming up for air

Finally… I can breathe again!

This, my first year of teaching has been nothing less than a roller coaster ride thus far. Wow, I never knew it was possible for so much drama or to work so hard and yet still feel like I can’t win.

Right now I’m in the midst of a change that includes me giving up many of the duties I had held since the fall. Before I started down this path I recognized that the life of a Waldorf class teacher wasn’t likely to mesh with my ideals of balance and sustainability. Somehow I thought it would be different for me but this year at least, that has not proven to be true.

After months of trying to make things work and struggling to get mentoring I found myself out of energy and short on nerves – far from an ideal situation for the children or for me.

After taking a week to recollect and recenter I returned to school today, donned an apron and began my new routine. Now instead of stressing about parent communication and lesson plans I get to sit back a bit, observe, and put more focus on handwork. It also means I get some time for myself and can look into getting involved with more community events – both for the school and the community at large.

Fresh air never smelled so good!

tired

Thinking about authenticity yesterday and sharing my thoughts with the blogging world was great.  The feedback was wonderful too, and I’m amazed at how less alone I feel as a result.  This blogging thing is good.

Yesterday I mentioned that it feels like this place I’m in doesn’t “fit”.  There is so much about this current state I’m in that drives me crazy, but I’m trying to hold back from ranting about it.  This is turning out to be a good exercise  because I’m finally getting some of the answers that have eluded me for so long.

I see myself as a positive, outgoing person and have been struggling with the knowledge that what most new acquaintances have been seeing is a negative, inwardly focused version of me.  I am frustrated by a lot of things here and I couldn’t remember how to go back to being positive.

I tried putting on a happy face but it felt wrong; I needed to get to the root of the problem.  Initially I thought all my frustrations stemmed from a life changing diagnosis but I realize now that it was just the final straw.   Recognizing this has been so helpful.  I was already consumed by frustratation with things at work, not being able to find food I could eat, and a lot of other ugly surprises that red neck Alberta had in store for me.  No matter how hard I tried to overcome these frustrations I just couldn’t seem to do it.  This growing frustration continued to fuel my negativity and knowing my actions weren’t in line with my true self, my anger grew to the point where I was tired and almost ready to give up.

I realize there are some things I won’t be able to change, and that‘s okay.  Some of the things most important to me simply don’t exist here.  I don’t have to change things here, I can choose instead to leave.  And I am.  I’m tired of fighting and I know of many places where I won’t need to waste so much energy.

It’s been a long road to figure out that leaving does not mean that I’m giving up, but that instead I’m being honest with myself and those around me.  It’s such a relief to finally have figured this out!

being authentic

I so enjoy reading authentic blogs like sensible living, a hippie in a minivan, this inspired life, granola girl and more.  I think what really strikes me is how much of themselves the authors share.  That’s something I’m struggling with.

Perhaps one of the biggest thing that makes my blog feel odd is that I don’t share my true name.  I’m not really comfortable with doing that yet since there are some unique things that might make it easy to track me down.   And as of yet it’s only my closest friends, their readers and wordpress bloggers that know they can find me here.  I’m happy to meet strangers but for some reason I want to protect this site from my parents and siblings.  I’m not sure why but that’s the way I’ve been with most things so far in this life.  It might not make sense, but I’d like to honour that feeling, at least for now.

Feelings of vulnerability are also making it hard for me to reveal my real self.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to figure out who I am and what I’m doing here.  While I’m comfortable to share this with people I feel connected to I’ll never know all who read my blog.  What a scary thought!  I’m not sure why I thought it would be so easy before I actually started sharing this space.

One of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog was to cultivate relationships with other likeminded people.  Where I live now doesn’t really “fit” and I’ve gained so much from interacting with the online community of unschooling mamas.  I enjoy my relationships with these folks and want to grow more, perhaps add some other folks that aren‘t yet parents to my network.  To do this I need to be sharing my authentic self.

As I mentioned,  I’m not entirely sure who my authentic self is right now but I know that the reasons I feel connected to my favourite bloggers boils down to values and lifestyle.  I’m concerned about the health of the environment – not just at a global level but at a personal and local level too.  Healthy food and crops are high on my list but so are things like community and social sustainability.

I’m hungry to put better ways of living into practice.  I want to be more in tune with the natural environment and the other people in it, including myself.  I want to be able to do more things for myself and be a better communicator.  I’ve been working on improving my listening skills for years but I’m still a novice in things like nonviolent communication, storytelling and tapping into my internal self.  I have so much to learn!

Thank you for sharing your journey and here, in this space, I welcome you to mine.