tired

Thinking about authenticity yesterday and sharing my thoughts with the blogging world was great.  The feedback was wonderful too, and I’m amazed at how less alone I feel as a result.  This blogging thing is good.

Yesterday I mentioned that it feels like this place I’m in doesn’t “fit”.  There is so much about this current state I’m in that drives me crazy, but I’m trying to hold back from ranting about it.  This is turning out to be a good exercise  because I’m finally getting some of the answers that have eluded me for so long.

I see myself as a positive, outgoing person and have been struggling with the knowledge that what most new acquaintances have been seeing is a negative, inwardly focused version of me.  I am frustrated by a lot of things here and I couldn’t remember how to go back to being positive.

I tried putting on a happy face but it felt wrong; I needed to get to the root of the problem.  Initially I thought all my frustrations stemmed from a life changing diagnosis but I realize now that it was just the final straw.   Recognizing this has been so helpful.  I was already consumed by frustratation with things at work, not being able to find food I could eat, and a lot of other ugly surprises that red neck Alberta had in store for me.  No matter how hard I tried to overcome these frustrations I just couldn’t seem to do it.  This growing frustration continued to fuel my negativity and knowing my actions weren’t in line with my true self, my anger grew to the point where I was tired and almost ready to give up.

I realize there are some things I won’t be able to change, and that‘s okay.  Some of the things most important to me simply don’t exist here.  I don’t have to change things here, I can choose instead to leave.  And I am.  I’m tired of fighting and I know of many places where I won’t need to waste so much energy.

It’s been a long road to figure out that leaving does not mean that I’m giving up, but that instead I’m being honest with myself and those around me.  It’s such a relief to finally have figured this out!