h1

tired

January 22, 2009

Thinking about authenticity yesterday and sharing my thoughts with the blogging world was great.  The feedback was wonderful too, and I’m amazed at how less alone I feel as a result.  This blogging thing is good.

Yesterday I mentioned that it feels like this place I’m in doesn’t “fit”.  There is so much about this current state I’m in that drives me crazy, but I’m trying to hold back from ranting about it.  This is turning out to be a good exercise  because I’m finally getting some of the answers that have eluded me for so long.

I see myself as a positive, outgoing person and have been struggling with the knowledge that what most new acquaintances have been seeing is a negative, inwardly focused version of me.  I am frustrated by a lot of things here and I couldn’t remember how to go back to being positive.

I tried putting on a happy face but it felt wrong; I needed to get to the root of the problem.  Initially I thought all my frustrations stemmed from a life changing diagnosis but I realize now that it was just the final straw.   Recognizing this has been so helpful.  I was already consumed by frustratation with things at work, not being able to find food I could eat, and a lot of other ugly surprises that red neck Alberta had in store for me.  No matter how hard I tried to overcome these frustrations I just couldn’t seem to do it.  This growing frustration continued to fuel my negativity and knowing my actions weren’t in line with my true self, my anger grew to the point where I was tired and almost ready to give up.

I realize there are some things I won’t be able to change, and that‘s okay.  Some of the things most important to me simply don’t exist here.  I don’t have to change things here, I can choose instead to leave.  And I am.  I’m tired of fighting and I know of many places where I won’t need to waste so much energy.

It’s been a long road to figure out that leaving does not mean that I’m giving up, but that instead I’m being honest with myself and those around me.  It’s such a relief to finally have figured this out!

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5 comments

  1. I think too often people try to stay positive without acknowledging the negative part of their self. Like that part isn’t valuable or worthy of acknowledging. Sure, you don’t want to get stuck being negative etc all the time but it can be a good indication that something needs to change and it’s a great motivator to move forward.

    I say embrace your negative feelings, let it out and move through it!


  2. Oh, I remember stories of you from before Cam! I always wondered if I knew the same person. I’ve struggled with the cause of my nastiness here and while I’m not 100% sure it’s the place, the list of things getting me down seems to indicate it is.

    We still don’t know where we’ll end up but only time will tell. Thanks for supporting me Annie, and being such a good friend.


  3. I can relate to your feelings. I felt similar living in Kamloops. It didn’t feel like home even though it felt more inclusive than sometimes Alberta feels. I was really nervous moving to Alberta too. I never thought that I would ever move to such a conservative province as I am as left leaning as you can get!!! We thought we would try it anyway because we love the outdoors and love being in nature. The draw was living 45 minutes away Jasper. Even though Conservative Alberta doesn’t fit into our belief system, we stay true to our belief system. I just wish we could meet some like minded people lol. I guess that is where the blogging come in.

    I believe that eventually you will find your place in the world. Just ask for it and hopefully the universe will bring what you seek your way. Good Luck!!


  4. I, of course, am sorry that you’ll be going. I have so very few people to share my common interests with and I often feel like you are the only person who understands why I do the things that I do (with my kids, home etc.).
    I am going to miss that a whole lot!


  5. […] identity and how I’ve been feeling in this place that doesn’t fit.  Writing about this was important for me, but the feedback from others who could relate?  That was the most gratifying […]



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