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melancholy monday

January 4, 2010

I was some how able to keep myself upbeat during my last post but by last night I was a wreck. I’d had the day to reflect on things both past and future and to add to the mix I was thinking about my late friend Cory.

Today would have been his birthday had he not had leukemia or rejected the bone marrow transplant. I know I can’t turn back the clock but even though it was 9 years ago his memory is still fresh. Having had an earlier run in with cancer he lived each day as though he might not see the next but with such youthful and energetic enthusiasm. It was contagious at the time but as each year passes, I’m reminded of how much further I am from living life that way and it’s upsetting.

I know that my view of the world is changing – I wouldn’t be maturing if it wasn’t – but it seems like fear keeps taking a larger and larger hold on me. Fear of falling, of breaking, of not losing weight, of failing at work and relationships, of not getting what I want in this life, of letting other people down, of making them uncomfortable, the list goes on. This isn’t what I want but at the same time how do I change it? Thank goodness for true friends who listened to me yesterday and helped me shed the most raw stuff. If I learned anything, it’s that I need to talk about these thing because getting upset and then trying to bury them isn’t working.

My winter holidays didn’t go the way I had expected – not even close. A big part had to do with house guests that didn’t leave but another thread, with a much longer history, is how I deal with injuries.

I get hurt a lot and I’m convinced it’s because there are lessons I haven’t yet learned. I gave up hockey, downhill skiing, mountain bike racing and now even cross country skiing because it seems that if I fall, I break something. Fracture number eight, which happened four years ago was so painful and persistent that I let a doctor convince me it was too risky for most of that stuff. Ooh it made me upset at the time but this thumb thing I’m dealing with now is serving as a good reminder for why it’s hard to turn back to those sports. I get frustrated from losing my independence and having to start over at ground zero again with my training.

At the same time, my social life has always revolved around sport and I have yet to find a worthy substitute for that or the adrenalin rush. I think that’s part of why I have a hard time accepting ball room dancing and swimming laps with wall hangers as my new activities. And heck, even though I love handwork it sure is hard these days and that makes me wonder what will it be like in another decade or two.  Should I even consider teaching handwork down the road?

It’s been a few years and I still don’t know what the answers are but I need to find a new determinism for finding what meets my needs for socializing and adrenalin. And of course, if you’ve been here and have any suggestions I would love to know!

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4 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us L. It definitely is a good idea to vent and get things out in the open. Something I have to remind myself daily to do instead of holding in my feelings all of the time:) I think we can all relate to the fear we feel when things aren’t going the way we would like them to or we are unsure with how to proceed. Then there are things in our lives that we have no control over and I think that we start to mourn over what we have lost or what we are missing. It must be very difficult to give up the things that you love and make you happy due to circumstances like injury. Try not to be too hard on yourself my friend. You have had a lot of change happening in your life lately and it is going to take some time to transition. Thinking of you:)


  2. I totally agree that talking about these things are so important, although I think it’s worth talking them out with the goal of moving through the pain. Not getting over it but just allowing it to be something that contributes to who you are and not something that holds you down.

    You have a hard road with your easily broken bones. There is no way I can really understand what this is like for you. I wish you didn’t have to go through that! I wish I had some answers.

    You are in a time in your life where there is some great change, with your new career and living away from home and your partner. This can’t be easy but I imagine once you can settle into your own home routine it will be a bit easier?

    I’m always willing to chat on the phone if you need it. I’d love to just be there and hear you. I can promise that I won’t have little ones talking occasionally in the background but I can say for sure that I can be there willingly the hear what you have to say.


  3. You might give some grassroots autoracing a try. You’re unlikely to break something, and very likely to get the adrenaline rush.

    There is a SCCA club in most major cities, and all you need to start is a helmet and ANY car that’s in safe, mechanical condition. $30 for a weekend racing around a track.

    Not your style, but I though I’d push the envelope a little bit. 😉


  4. Thanks ladies, I appreciate your encouragement. And Richard, thanks so much for the laugh. Maybe the next time we’re in town I can give it a try. 😉



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