melancholy monday

I was some how able to keep myself upbeat during my last post but by last night I was a wreck. I’d had the day to reflect on things both past and future and to add to the mix I was thinking about my late friend Cory.

Today would have been his birthday had he not had leukemia or rejected the bone marrow transplant. I know I can’t turn back the clock but even though it was 9 years ago his memory is still fresh. Having had an earlier run in with cancer he lived each day as though he might not see the next but with such youthful and energetic enthusiasm. It was contagious at the time but as each year passes, I’m reminded of how much further I am from living life that way and it’s upsetting.

I know that my view of the world is changing – I wouldn’t be maturing if it wasn’t – but it seems like fear keeps taking a larger and larger hold on me. Fear of falling, of breaking, of not losing weight, of failing at work and relationships, of not getting what I want in this life, of letting other people down, of making them uncomfortable, the list goes on. This isn’t what I want but at the same time how do I change it? Thank goodness for true friends who listened to me yesterday and helped me shed the most raw stuff. If I learned anything, it’s that I need to talk about these thing because getting upset and then trying to bury them isn’t working.

My winter holidays didn’t go the way I had expected – not even close. A big part had to do with house guests that didn’t leave but another thread, with a much longer history, is how I deal with injuries.

I get hurt a lot and I’m convinced it’s because there are lessons I haven’t yet learned. I gave up hockey, downhill skiing, mountain bike racing and now even cross country skiing because it seems that if I fall, I break something. Fracture number eight, which happened four years ago was so painful and persistent that I let a doctor convince me it was too risky for most of that stuff. Ooh it made me upset at the time but this thumb thing I’m dealing with now is serving as a good reminder for why it’s hard to turn back to those sports. I get frustrated from losing my independence and having to start over at ground zero again with my training.

At the same time, my social life has always revolved around sport and I have yet to find a worthy substitute for that or the adrenalin rush. I think that’s part of why I have a hard time accepting ball room dancing and swimming laps with wall hangers as my new activities. And heck, even though I love handwork it sure is hard these days and that makes me wonder what will it be like in another decade or two.  Should I even consider teaching handwork down the road?

It’s been a few years and I still don’t know what the answers are but I need to find a new determinism for finding what meets my needs for socializing and adrenalin. And of course, if you’ve been here and have any suggestions I would love to know!

dem bones

Knowing that my bones are bad but not quite knowing how bad they are now had me full of anxiety this past week.

Since shortly after my first wrist fracture 11 or 12 years ago I’ve known that my bones are bad.  For the first few years I went for bone scans every two years as a precautionary measure.  My densities kept going down but medications weren’t deemed necessary since I wanted to have kids and hadn’t crossed the line (and wasn’t expected to until well after 30).

Four years ago at age 27 I had the nastiest break yet (and hopefully ever).  What had previously been a gradual decline in my bone health had suddenly changed and instead of wondering when I would wind up with osteoporosis I had it.

I have a tendency to forget about my bone health (well, apart from taking supplements every day, trying to eat healthy and staying active) except at this time of year when I go for what has become an annual DEXA scan.

The first osteo revealing one was by far the hardest on me emotionally but this one was coming close.  We’ve been talking about starting a family for a while but I want to take one last kick at school first.  My anxiety about how bad this test would be was making me wonder if I was pushing my luck.  I’ve met other women on-line who have found out they have osteo after having their baby but I have no idea if they were in worse shape before hand or not.  Regardless their experiences have sounded awful – usually involving very painful and debilitating compression fractures of the spine.  Add to that, the fact that I hadn’t seen a specialist in a few years because of our move and unsuccessful attempts at taking fosamax…  I was super anxious.

Well, today I went to see my regular doctor and I got exactly the opposite news of what I was expecting.  I’m by no means in the clear but I’ve pretty much made back the bone that I lost from 2007-2008 which was a significant amount.  There have been tears of joy pouring out of me all afternoon.

So why all this improvement after years?  Well, I know it’s not related to physical activity since I was way more active in the years preceding that last break than I have been the past 5 months.  My diet hasn’t changed much either.  I think the biggest thing is that I sought help.  A year and half ago, concerned about mysterious allergic reactions and my shaky emotional state I decided to give naturopathic medicine another try (I’d had both good and bad experiences in the past and moving around made progress difficult).

With my naturopath’s help I’ve been able to reconnect with my inner self, get my “system” running better with the help of supplements and get out of this hole I was stuck in for a few years.  At last there is hope that I might kick this disease!!!  Yeah!!!  Now I just wish I’d gone to a naturopath sooner.